if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
