20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
