I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
