I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
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Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
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If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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