A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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