I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention