Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men