how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke