The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
