I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
