my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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