so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Randomize
