i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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