Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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