i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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