Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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