Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
