you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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