dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
