I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I can feel your judgement through the phone
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
