I hate all girls vehemently.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
