Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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