"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
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She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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