Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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