i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It's shark week go big or go home
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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