JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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