Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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