well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
