3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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