i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.