So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
