I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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