I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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