Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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