haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
