A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
