i love accidental penises.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
