I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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