im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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