I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
