you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
