How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
