i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
