so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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