I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
