i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
