he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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