something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
