I met the friendliest cop last night
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
