Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
