I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
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