i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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