Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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