he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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