Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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