You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
How does it feel to date your dad?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
