My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
