i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
