do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
soo... how was my night?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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