ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
