Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
