I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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